Sad to Say 'Goodbye'

Since having the monkeys I can honestly say I've been on a roller coaster of emotions. The usual Mummy guilt that all mums experience from the minute they see those blue lines at the beginning of their parenthood journey. The elation at having a newborn, the pride and joy, sheer exhaustion with the sleepless nights.....the list goes on. So when I first saw the doctor soon after big monkey was born back in 2008, feeling hot all the time, he put it down to being a new mum and getting used to the emotional and hormonal changes my body was going through. 
Life went on and I just leaned to live with feeling hot all the time. I just assumed it was partly down to being busy with a new baby and also with carrying extra weight. 
Little monkey took longer to conceive than with big monkey. We had started to look into the reasons why it was taking longer. My age obviously didn't help. 
Happily, just as I was sent an appointment through to have my tubes scanned I discovered I was pregnant with little monkey. Forward to his birth and all was well. I still had hot spells but was still carrying pregnancy weight that I'd lost between having the two of them, and was twice as busy. 
Due to having some very heavy bleeding each month once my periods had started again I went on the Pill. This stopped the heavy bleeding but I didn't feel right taking the Pill and came off it. Since then my periods got lighter and lighter, less frequent and virtually stopped altogether. 
Back to the GP I went. This time he said he would get my hormone levels checked. I had no other symptoms. I would need 3 blood tests over a period of about nine months, as he suspected I might be going through an early menopause. The 1st test was inconclusive, so I assumed I was just having a blip and things would get back to normal soon. They did not. The 2nd test leaned more towards an early menopause and today I had the 3rd and final test! You've guessed it......that's exactly what I am going through. 
I knew without the final blood test really. I've been having hot flushes for at least the last 3 months. I'm grumpy a lot of the time and just haven't felt my old self for a very long time. Today aged 42 I was told I'll need HRT. To replace the hormones my body is no longer producing. I'm no longer ovulating, so they'll be no more children for me. If I don't go on the HRT, I have a higher risk of Osteoporosis. 
It's sinking in. Having said I knew, has not helped my sadness at their definitely being no more babies. Until now I still had hope I might one day have another. I'm trying not to be upset but I am! Yes, I know it's something us women will all go through, but I'm 42! I'm not ready to say goodbye to my fertile years yet! 
I do feel very lucky though! Not because I'm going through the change but because I have the monkeys. I was 36 when the 1st came along and 39 with the 2nd. That's a very small window in my child bearing years and even smaller than I ever imaged it would be!

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